CTHULHU RETURNS! PREPARE FOR YOUR RECKONING! (Call of Cthulhu Part 2)

         MY MAN IS BACK! Hello and welcome back to the Reader in Yellow, finest blog this side of the eldritch dimension, and among the few blogs to consistently make fun of beings beyond mortal comprehension that could smite the author with barely the swipe of a finger without batting an eyelid (lookin' at you ESUHSD District Superintendent Chris D. Funk). I am your host Ay Ay Ron Hilomen and today we'll be dunking on another eldritch abomination besides the usual Funk man. That's right, I'm hear to tell you that Cthulhu, the big OG giant monster man, was a weak little pansy who probably couldn't survive a single punch from even the weakest of mecha. Yes, I'm about to tell you that HP Lovecraft did not think through the powerlevel of this alien being beyond our comprehension. Without further ado, let us get to the dunking.

Enjoy this adorable image of tiny cthulhu to mirror his powerlevel

         Due to the metaphorical nature of HP Lovecraft's work, it's not quite possible to tell whether this was the "True" Cthulhu or some metaphor for insanity or avatar of Cthulhu a la Hastur. However near the end of the final story in the Call of Cthulhu, the Madness at Sea, the thing that seems to be Cthulhu is seemingly vanquished by being rammed with a ship known as The Alert, head exploding and all. Of course, this is followed by hinting at reformation, Iron Giant style. However, I for one believe that this is symbolic, even if not intentional, for mental illness, and how it can be overcome. While HP Lovecraft may have been a bigot in some senses, he did seem quite aware of mental illnesses (and may have had one as well), and around the time he wrote stories like "The Colour out of Space", had decided to become a bit better of a person. This means that whether it was his intention or not, Cthulhu's defeat and reformation seemed to not only show how comparatively weak the lad was in comparison to superior beings such as Hastur and Chris Funk, but also how the road to recovery from mental illness is not a linear one, and how ramming a metaphorical freighter into your problems can only make them disappear temporarily. 

Poor guy stood absolutely no chance against that little boat thing.

        Alongside this, Cthulhu has a tendency to sleep. Alot. In fact, before we're even formally introduced to our big green friend, we're given the line that "In his home in R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu lies dreaming," something that many a student would wish to do on weekends rather than be bombarded with endless amounts of homework. Thus, we are made aware that Cthulhu is not only lazy, but in fact, oftentimes found "dead", or sleeping. Obviously the muscle atrophy on the eldritch being must have been intense, and he could have probably been defeated by even the weakest of giant mecha (Yes, I've $15 on Furrion's Prosthesis One-Punch-Man-ing Cthulhu, despite not having arms). Clearly, despite being touted as the be-all end-all of Eldritch Abominations, Elder G-ds, and Great Old Ones, Cthulhu would likely stand no chance in a fight against ESUHSD District Superintendent Superintendent Chris D. Funk, who'd destroy the poor tentacle man without batting an eyelid, likely the same way he defeated the thing Cthulhu was an analogy for: By writing a note blaming the very system that our friendly neighborhood superintendent stood for.

To fight monsters... Nah, whom I kidding, our little boy's toast!

        In summary, feline enthusiast HP Lovecraft's magnum opus of a monster could be construed as no stronger than any other friendly neighborhood kaiju, and the real threat of Cthulhu was not the monster itself, but what it represented, and the people affected by it. This is clearly evident in the cultists doing far more damage to the crew of the Emma than Cthulhu did to the Alert, and that Cthulhu himself was quite easily defeated when tackled head-on. This is why Hastur reigns supreme as the coolest lovecraftian deity, and exactly why I love Hastur as a dude who I can vibe with, despite him still being weaker than ESUHSD District Superintendent Chris D Funk, just like Cthulhu.

No Contest